[For my friends living outside of Australia, Centrelink is like a welfare support agency. They help you out with a bit of money while you're studying or in financial crisis. But they're so confusing and make one wrong move and you're in debt forever.]

CENTRELINK: So you’ve moved out of home?
DAVE: Yeah.
CENTRELINK: When was this?
DAVE: About a month ago.
CENTRELINK: You realise you’re supposed to tell us within 14 days of change.
DAVE: Uh... Yeah. I did.
CENTRELINK: No, you didn’t.
DAVE: Yes... Yes, I did. I filled out the change of address form you sent me. The change of address form you sent to my new house. Then I mailed it back like it said to.
CENTRELINK: We didn’t receive it within 14 days.
DAVE: Well, no. It took 13 days just for you to send it out.
CENTRELINK: Centrelink takes no responsibility for Australia Post.
DAVE: No, I don’t imagine you do. (You don’t with your own shit anyway).


CENTRELINK: Do you want rent assistance?
DAVE: If possible, it would be nice.
CENTRELINK: Too bad.
DAVE: Uh... What?
CENTRELINK: You don’t earn enough.
DAVE: Uh... Well, no... That’s why I’d like some rent assistance.
CENTRELINK: You need to earn over a certain amount before we can give you rent assistance.
DAVE: ... But if I earned that much, I wouldn’t NEED rent assistance.


CENTRELINK: Are you independant?
DAVE: Well, I have to support myself, yeah. I guess I am.
CENTRELINK: No, you’re not.
DAVE: I’m not?
CENTRELINK: You have to earn over a certain amount to be independant.
DAVE: What was that? A trick question?


CENTRELINK: Are you aware you can report your earnings over the phone?
DAVE: Yeah, but we don’t have a phoneline at my new house.
CENTRELINK: Then just do it online.
DAVE: But, I just said... Oh, never mind.


CENTRELINK: Have you ever been married?
DAVE: No.
CENTRELINK: Have you ever been married, but the relationship has ended because of the death of your partner due to domestic violence?
DAVE: What?! No! It’s only been six months since I was in here last. I couldn’t have even served the time.


CENTRELINK: How much are your personal possessions worth altogether?
DAVE: I don’t know. A hundred bucks?
CENTRELINK: Only a hundred dollars?
DAVE: I’m an art student. I sleep on the floor, I have a plastic bag of clothing, I have one dollar in my bank account and I’ve been eating bread for every meal these past two weeks.
CENTRELINK: Why only bread?
DAVE: Well, my paints are only student grade and probably contain lead.


CENTRELINK: And where will this course take you?
DAVE: Uh... Art gallery curation?
CENTRELINK: How much will you be earning doing that?
DAVE: I don’t know. They don’t exactly employ non-qualified students.
CENTRELINK: Looks like you’ll need a qualification.
DAVE: Uh, yes. That’s what I’m doing.


CENTRELINK: Would you like Youth Allowance?
DAVE: Am I too old for that?
CENTRELINK: No.
DAVE: I’m old enough to smoke, drink, have sex and get charged an adult fare on the bus, but I’m still classified as ’youth?’
CENTRELINK: Is that a problem?
DAVE: No. No, not at all. I just find it ironic.
CENTRELINK: Are we going to have a problem?
DAVE: What? No! I’m being agreeable! I’m agreeable. I’d like Youth Allowance, please.
CENTRELINK: Well, you can’t
DAVE: Oh.
CENTRELINK: You have to fill out some forms.
DAVE: Okay.
CENTRELINK: We’ll send them out to you in the post.
DAVE: Oh... Alright then.
CENTRELINK: Please send them back within 14 days. Next!
DAVE: Uh... How long will they take to get to me?
CENTRELINK: Your session has expired, sir. Next, please.