I moved out.
I bought two hermit crabs.
I watched Beowulf eight times.
I saw a poor woman get hit by a bus.
I had to give up my art diploma to pay rent.
I filled my shelf full of Scandinavian literature.
I spent more time playing Sims 2 than I did sleeping.
I even tried to enjoy beer, but it still tastes like bi-carb.

And I'm still in love with my girlfriend.

Here's for another interesting year.
*Raises a Boag.* (Better luck this time?)

I think I'll just brew my own mead.

No bees are getting in this airtight fortress.

. . .

SERIES ONE


SERIES TWO


SERIES THREE


SERIES FOUR
In production.

. . .

I suppose I should have said something a little more momentous considering the finality of Laconic Prosaic 3 (Series Three), but it's 1am, I'm tired and I want a cat made of pompoms... Lol, "pompom."

*Sleepingdave.*

According to the Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge, as referrenced in El idioma analítico de John Wilkins by Jorge Francisco Isidoro Luis Borges, animals are divided into these following classes:

1. Those that belong to the Emperor, 2. embalmed ones, 3. those that are trained, 4. suckling pigs, 5. mermaids, 6. fabulous ones, 7. stray dogs, 8. those included in the present classification, 9. those that tremble as if they were mad, 10. innumerable ones, 11. those drawn with a very fine camelhair brush, 12. others, 13. those that have just broken a flower vase, 14. those that from a long way off look like flies.

That's right. This is some of the exotic knowledge I'm being taught in my classes. I love 4, 10 and 12. My mind has just imploded. I love it. I have to recontemplate my philosophies.

I'll get back to you on this.

-Dave

[For my friends living outside of Australia, Centrelink is like a welfare support agency. They help you out with a bit of money while you're studying or in financial crisis. But they're so confusing and make one wrong move and you're in debt forever.]

CENTRELINK: So you’ve moved out of home?
DAVE: Yeah.
CENTRELINK: When was this?
DAVE: About a month ago.
CENTRELINK: You realise you’re supposed to tell us within 14 days of change.
DAVE: Uh... Yeah. I did.
CENTRELINK: No, you didn’t.
DAVE: Yes... Yes, I did. I filled out the change of address form you sent me. The change of address form you sent to my new house. Then I mailed it back like it said to.
CENTRELINK: We didn’t receive it within 14 days.
DAVE: Well, no. It took 13 days just for you to send it out.
CENTRELINK: Centrelink takes no responsibility for Australia Post.
DAVE: No, I don’t imagine you do. (You don’t with your own shit anyway).


CENTRELINK: Do you want rent assistance?
DAVE: If possible, it would be nice.
CENTRELINK: Too bad.
DAVE: Uh... What?
CENTRELINK: You don’t earn enough.
DAVE: Uh... Well, no... That’s why I’d like some rent assistance.
CENTRELINK: You need to earn over a certain amount before we can give you rent assistance.
DAVE: ... But if I earned that much, I wouldn’t NEED rent assistance.


CENTRELINK: Are you independant?
DAVE: Well, I have to support myself, yeah. I guess I am.
CENTRELINK: No, you’re not.
DAVE: I’m not?
CENTRELINK: You have to earn over a certain amount to be independant.
DAVE: What was that? A trick question?


CENTRELINK: Are you aware you can report your earnings over the phone?
DAVE: Yeah, but we don’t have a phoneline at my new house.
CENTRELINK: Then just do it online.
DAVE: But, I just said... Oh, never mind.


CENTRELINK: Have you ever been married?
DAVE: No.
CENTRELINK: Have you ever been married, but the relationship has ended because of the death of your partner due to domestic violence?
DAVE: What?! No! It’s only been six months since I was in here last. I couldn’t have even served the time.


CENTRELINK: How much are your personal possessions worth altogether?
DAVE: I don’t know. A hundred bucks?
CENTRELINK: Only a hundred dollars?
DAVE: I’m an art student. I sleep on the floor, I have a plastic bag of clothing, I have one dollar in my bank account and I’ve been eating bread for every meal these past two weeks.
CENTRELINK: Why only bread?
DAVE: Well, my paints are only student grade and probably contain lead.


CENTRELINK: And where will this course take you?
DAVE: Uh... Art gallery curation?
CENTRELINK: How much will you be earning doing that?
DAVE: I don’t know. They don’t exactly employ non-qualified students.
CENTRELINK: Looks like you’ll need a qualification.
DAVE: Uh, yes. That’s what I’m doing.


CENTRELINK: Would you like Youth Allowance?
DAVE: Am I too old for that?
CENTRELINK: No.
DAVE: I’m old enough to smoke, drink, have sex and get charged an adult fare on the bus, but I’m still classified as ’youth?’
CENTRELINK: Is that a problem?
DAVE: No. No, not at all. I just find it ironic.
CENTRELINK: Are we going to have a problem?
DAVE: What? No! I’m being agreeable! I’m agreeable. I’d like Youth Allowance, please.
CENTRELINK: Well, you can’t
DAVE: Oh.
CENTRELINK: You have to fill out some forms.
DAVE: Okay.
CENTRELINK: We’ll send them out to you in the post.
DAVE: Oh... Alright then.
CENTRELINK: Please send them back within 14 days. Next!
DAVE: Uh... How long will they take to get to me?
CENTRELINK: Your session has expired, sir. Next, please.